hamlin party and real jesus

last night was logan's birthday, so I went out to eat with my mom and got money, then drive for like over an hour to go get logan to bring him to rick's for a get-together. the one armed man was there with tom, the acoustic song man and his weird girlfriend who calls me smeagol. rick, tom and myself stayed relatively sane through the time there as we drank some beer and played lots of guitar. tom's girlfriend had this insane need to talk to me in the most disomforting way possible and the one armed man got falling down-getting up-falling down drunk. he probably opened more beers than anyone else and also spilled more beers than he opened. logan disappeared. he was eventually found hiding by the side of rick's trailer outside in the rain. tom, his girlfriend, and the one armed man went home and I also left at like 2 am. since picking up logan at like 9 last night I have been promising him to bring him on a pilgrimage to meet with real jesus (shawn). i have not recieved any answer from him or rick (who's living room I left him sleeping in) about whether or not this will happen. the other matter to contend with is my plentiful array of cough syrups in my room. they call to me in sickeningly sweet voices, but I may have to run a mission in the automobile.plaese, rick, give me a sign!

caffeine night

I'm typing by the light of the screen while logan sleeps behind me. this is better than where he came from. there he was sleeping in a recliner. I tried to have brain fun tonight, but I didn't succeed. the robitussin and beer got into a fight in my stomach and neither of them won. my iron gut technique canceled them both,so I popped every kind of pill I could find in my cabinet including aceitaminophen and caffeine. now it's 4 in the morning and I'm still up because of the drugs, but I didn't get any recreational use out of any of them. lets see if the caffeine animation works.

the downward spiral

I showed up to work late and drunk this morning and started talking shit right away. by 8, I was called into the office where I said "I can't take any more of these office meetings, just fire me" and they did. so here's where it stands: I want to do some tussin to shock the old system and take a day off to compose myself. during this time, I will try to apply for some jobs via the internet and try not to lose my apartment. that place was really bad for me anyway. anybody who likes drinking in the least bit gets turned into an alcoholic by the old pgc. for fuck's sake it was driving me to dig up dxm demons from the past! anyway, I caught a pic of some fungus in the duck pond park and that's it for now.

b-town is dangerous!

main street is TORE UP!!! they put giant holes in the sidewalk with fences around them, there are hoses EVERYWHERE, sometimes they even close the road. I went for a ride tonight to get a deuce from K&K and had a perilous journey. on top of the already trecherous path through darkness and being blinded by assholes with their high beams on, I had gaping crevasses to circumnavigate though peoples' front yards.
fuck, nobody reads this thing anyway, I'll spill the beans. when my damned digits typed into this here blig about being like really sick or having done something wrong recently, I was refering to one of the darkest demons in my jaded past, our old red friend, robitussin. ouch. the word even hurts to type. most people say that if they go back to it after a long time, they don't really like it, but nobody I read about says it feels like concentrated hell! I used to REALLY dip into that stuff and it's been a very long time, but after that many years of not using it, Ive had 4 experiences in the past 2 years. 2 of them were decent and 2 complete misery. during fearless l's reign of terror, I left aa and figured "hey, what if i did drugs instead of drink?" what followed was a short time of forcing myself to smoke pot and drink shitty beer. I got into wild irish rose hardcore and used it to indirectly damage my car.
2 nights during that time, I went to eckerd and got tussin pills. the first time, I was foolishly bold with the dosage. 2 bottle for 600mg total. I layed on my couch and watched regular tv like dirty jobs. it hurt, I did the walk, drank water out of a yellow mobil on the run cup and had a horrible time. the second time, I tried one bottle and didn't think it was too bad. it just fucked me up so much that all i could do was listen to music.
I stopped for a while. drank a lot, started smoking pot again, started enjoying pot again.
the job has been getting to me lately. bad enough to conjure forth demons from the past that were thought to be forever buried? you bet! the first time, I was really drunk and just made a bee line for wegmans. I was probably doing caffeine pills at the time too. it fucked me up hardcore, but i almost had fun. until i woke up the next day and was still seeing digital. I spent the day in bed and misery. it took me all day to eat a granola bar. on the plus side, I watched really good anime that night called sword of the stranger.
friday night, I knew I had a bottle in my room and decided during the course of the week to drink it that night. friday came and I got a mean coffee for lunch. coffee treated my alcoholism like a punching bag. I felt bad enough when I got home to take a nap. I woke up and started drinking, then took the dex. eventually, I became more and more toasted by the 2nd plateau buzz. tried to watch movies and stuff to no avail. it weren't no fun! I kindof writhed through my apartment doing the walk and trying to get comfortable. i even had to mellow out the playlist when I was listening to music. the next day I spent a lot of time in bed and again couldn't eat much.
the last 2 were syrup and the 1st were gel caps. I have to say I prefer the syrup. it tells you what it is very directly and goes down quicker than a bunch of giant pills. I'm not saying it's never going to happen again, but in the forseeable future, there is not a chance.
so, if I've divulged the wrong secrets to the wrong person, please leave a comment, you will be the first to do so on this damned blig.

alcohol + caffeine = pain

that's right, I'm shaking so hard I can't hold my drink, feel like i need to cry and puke, but can't do either. aren't drugs fun?!

it's just another blog entry

I'm all juiced on caffeine and it's 10:51 on a wednesday night. I've been fighting a virus at work for the past week and just got the upper hand today with spybot s&d. the virus constantly tries to start and spoybot constantly terminates the process. I had to use malwarebyte's anti-malware to stop the virus and I think that spybot is like reinforcing the wall. I will bring my code to activate the webroot that I transferrred via flash drive and hopefully vanquish the vile foe. when I was bored today, I took this pic. the brush hangs where a belt is supposed to be.

another wasted weekend

i slammed the amphetamines on saturday before riding my bike to albion. saw my downstairs neighbor, fred on the way back and then proceeded to drink&draw the night away. charlie came over and insisted on cleaning my kitchen.

begging to fly with the angels while partying with demons

I sometimes think about my life. I think of it in the way that another person outside myself would think of it. I try to imagine that I have never met me before and start to analyze. why the fuck have I stood in defiance to authority for almost no reason and committed senseless violence for almost no reason on inanimate objects? did the media confuse me or did I have evil intents to begin with? I know the exact time that I went wrong too. when I smoked reefer the second time with dave langfelder. I should have left it at once and said "I've done it, that's all I wanted." If I had done that, I'd be in an expensive art studio right now instead of an apartment and working at a shitty warehouse. if I was a rich artist, I wouldn't be so afraid of the imminent financial collapse. that future for me is so far gone that I don't know what to do. can I regain it? forget the new world order, accept the programming, try to live with it, but try not to let it pollute me so that I can succeed better than those that are programmed and polluted by the system? would it work? the other thought that plagues my mind is what if the drugs have had some effect on my ability to learn. if this is just temporary or totally false, then I believe that stopping the booze and the h-lettuce will end any perception of it as those things are associated with my past and I want to focus on the future now. I am so plastered when I'mwriting this that I have trouble sometimes finding the letters I need. the point is that I believe that Iwas origionally intended to find a peaceful life in media creation vs an unhappy one fighting and running from the media. RKRON. richard kron, arkron the darklord, my neighbor. I think he knows I smoke the green all the time. but I go and play guitar with him on fridays. he likes the guitar jam and someone to talk to, but doesn't like hippy lettuce, so he probably should only give positive readings to my parents.

man vs. self

My brain is at war with itself. I really don't want to drink, but the other half of me really wants to drink and knows that there is plenty of vodka in the freezer and mixers in the fridge. Both halves know that I will get a good night's sleep if I do indeed imbibe vodka in disgusting amounts, but the no half says "when will you stop drinking ka? when you have cancer? become homeless? die?" but then the yes half says "just finish that bottle and don't buy another" but no says "what about when there is not enough for a whole night? you're gonna go buy a whole nother bottle and this will happen again" back and forth they go. if I skip tonight, I'll really be leaning toward the yes side tomorrow because I will have had all day to be bored and vodka will only look even better than it does now. as always, here are the images.

don't stop drinking!

this is my third day in a row without any booze, and everyone says quitting the sauce is supposed to be good for you, but I feel worse. much worse. I drop everything that I pick up, send long txt messages to land lines, can't control my feelings of anger and despair that happen simultaneously. it's HELL! I remember just making a mixed drink if I was feeling shitty. I'd chug that, smoke a bowl and suddenly the world wouldn't hurt so bad anymore. I stopped drinking to try to control my temper because I would balance the booze with pot to make me calm, but FUCK THAT! I peeled out of every intersection on my way to work this morning and drove through a residential neighborhood at 7 am blasting entombed with my window wide open. by the way, it's december and there is snow on the ground. just had to preach the evils of no alcohol.