I sometimes think about my life. I think of it in the way that another person outside myself would think of it. I try to imagine that I have never met me before and start to analyze. why the fuck have I stood in defiance to authority for almost no reason and committed senseless violence for almost no reason on inanimate objects? did the media confuse me or did I have evil intents to begin with? I know the exact time that I went wrong too. when I smoked reefer the second time with dave langfelder. I should have left it at once and said "I've done it, that's all I wanted." If I had done that, I'd be in an expensive art studio right now instead of an apartment and working at a shitty warehouse. if I was a rich artist, I wouldn't be so afraid of the imminent financial collapse. that future for me is so far gone that I don't know what to do. can I regain it? forget the new world order, accept the programming, try to live with it, but try not to let it pollute me so that I can succeed better than those that are programmed and polluted by the system? would it work? the other thought that plagues my mind is what if the drugs have had some effect on my ability to learn. if this is just temporary or totally false, then I believe that stopping the booze and the h-lettuce will end any perception of it as those things are associated with my past and I want to focus on the future now. I am so plastered when I'mwriting this that I have trouble sometimes finding the letters I need. the point is that I believe that Iwas origionally intended to find a peaceful life in media creation vs an unhappy one fighting and running from the media. RKRON. richard kron, arkron the darklord, my neighbor. I think he knows I smoke the green all the time. but I go and play guitar with him on fridays. he likes the guitar jam and someone to talk to, but doesn't like hippy lettuce, so he probably should only give positive readings to my parents.
